10 Years

by an Unkindness

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yougotmegotmegotme
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yougotmegotmegotme Adam put tremendous effort into this album of his awesome songs over the years. Embrace the indie performers out there. Wish Sticks is quite possibly my favorite song, ever, and from the first song on this album, you can hear the instrumental skill and lyrical talent of Adam. This is a long time coming! Real lyrics, from the soul, with noise you can jam along to! Favorite track: Wish Sticks.
primaldonna
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primaldonna Each song is filled with such beautiful emotion. Each of his songs gives me peace and happiness! Favorite track: The Prophet.
nathanaelkrot
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nathanaelkrot its actually terrifying how amazing one person can be at songwriting. One of the best debut albums I've ever heard Favorite track: Time Will Tell.
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1.
If you really don't believe me, you can tell me that I'm wrong. And I'd really like to look around, but my night-light won't turn on. It won't turn on. It won't turn on. It won't turn on. And you know it's gonna hurt, and you never say a word. If you want to understand me, sometimes you have to read the lines. As my tear-soaked pillow drowns me, I can see through all your lies. Through all your lies. Through all your lies. Through all your lies. And you don't want me to curse, well, fuck you. And you want me to smile, well I try to. And you know it's gonna hurt, and you never say a word. And every tree you've planted just turns back into dirt. And you know just what you prayed for, well I'm proof that doesn't work. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. The spool of thread that's in my head; it won't spin the other way again. The spool of thread that's in my head; it won't spin the other way again. The spool of thread that's in my head; it won't spin the other way again. The spool of thread that's in my head; it won't spin the other way again for me. For me. And I wanted to change, so I did, and I want to die...
2.
The Scab 03:34
I've got a secret. It's bleeding through my eyes. I might just keep it. It's part of my disguise. I'm going down and down and down and down and down and down and deeper. I never go to sleep but I try to be a dreamer. I never go to sleep. I never go to sleep. I never go to sleep. Please let me go to sleep. Isn't this fun? Look at how normal you are. You've got your wife and you've got your good book and you've got your mediocre car. I've got a scab inside my throat. It expands each time I poke. When will the world finally know my entire life is one big fucking inside joke going down and down and down and down and down and down and deeper. I never go to sleep but I try to be a dreamer. I never go to sleep. I never go to sleep. I never go to sleep. Please let me go to sleep. Please let me go to sleep. I want to go to sleep. I want to go to sleep. Isn't this fun? Isn't this fun? Isn't this fun? Please tell me you're having fun. You'd better be cuz I'm sure as hell not. I'm going down and down and down and down and down and down and deeper. I never go to sleep but I try to be a dreamer. I never go to sleep. I never go to sleep. I never go to sleep. Please let me go to sleep. Please let me go to sleep. I want to go to sleep. I want to go to sleep. I try to go to sleep. I've got to find a way to sleep. I've got to find a way to sleep. I swear I'll find a way to sleep.
3.
Wish Sticks 03:51
I cut back one drug and excess on another and it's always by myself but when my friends are here to distract me from me, it usually seems to help but I guess that's just as well that I'm here all by myself and nothing seems to help when my thoughts reside in Hell You know you control me and you speak through my head from your metal lips and you'll tell me what you think might help myself I thought you might know me of course, not quite entirely but just enough to know I really needed your help and the stone might break the glass and we'll wait for it to pass just like snow-covered grass but I think it's time to grasp this motivation that I lack and I'll play the victim and I'll play the mediator because that's how I solved my problems as a child and you'll be complaining how my problems are not what I thought they were and I'll try my very best to force a smile and I'll think the night away. Yeah, I'll think the night away because once I'm in my head, I can't escape so I'll drink the night away. Yeah, I'll drink the night away and I'll wonder if I'll ever be okay and I know it sounds so blue but I wouldn't be here without you. I'll keep telling myself I won't kill myself just as long as I have my fingers, but my wishes, oh, they outweigh my wish sticks. You knew all too well I wouldn't take care of myself, but you could've leaded the right direction, and it shows that that was something I was missing. Now you want me dead so get out of my head. It was you that kept me breathing. I was confident that you were here to stay. Now I'll click refresh 'til my face turns red and I'm bleeding out my eyelids just hoping, just wishing, for change.
4.
Freedom P1 03:42
So you've got what you wanted and you'll get what you deserve if you keep lying and you'll keep lying to yourself It becomes quite a problem when you start to believe all your lies and buy them, and you're a dealer for everyone else But it's okay cuz now you've won. You've been wielding your guns shooting anyone who doesn't agree with your verisimilitude half-truths and your poison you'll spew out on anything you find just too real You broke my fucking heart I'd put on a mask if I wanted to communicate with you but I'm not afraid I'd die in that cage. Oh, I'd die in your cage if you hadn't of set me free Sometimes I think that you only liked me because I agreed with you and you admitted it yourself It was with your motivation I decided I'd drop out of school and now you're teaching someone else Because you're jealous and you're greedy you can't stand to see a caterpillar grow into a butterfly You just want it for yourself cuz you're the queen bee of your Hell and you don't care who's on your side Thank you for teaching me not to trust my broken heart. Thank you for teaching me not to trust my broken heart. Thank you for teaching me not to trust my broken heart. Thank you for teaching me not to trust my broken heart. Every fight you've picked is one that could be said the same for you if you weren't so blind You'll never grow. Oh, you'll never grow if you never look outside And you'll find someone else to manifest your own problems into to try to save your pride. You'll die in that cage. Oh, you'll die in your cage filled with shit you try to hide.
5.
Freedom P2 04:09
It is not about trying to change your mind and it is not about the past you left behind or how cannot sleep because you meant so much. It's about your mind; what you're afraid to touch. What you're afraid to touch. If you don't get what you want, you don't want anyone with it too. There's more than one on this planet and we know that as well as you. You want to be right. You want to be right. You want to be right. Cuz when you say goodbye to a friend you left it shouldn't hurt to cry about the times you shared so when you close your eyes and see a giant mirror try to tell yourself "I wish you were here" And I'm falling short of my own reflection and I'm falling down in the wrong direction. You could save yourself if you could listen to someone else, but as for me, I won't be coming back to Hell. You admit you have issues with your pride and you think that's reason enough to let it swallow you up inside. How can you sleep knowing so much of yourself is built upon lies? You won't see the truth, but you could see it too if you'd open your eyes. You want to be right. You want to be right. You want to be right. Cuz you don't want to hear when you've done something wrong. You just plug your ears and try to play along but no one likes a cheat and you like no one. You've been on your turn for far too long. And I'm falling short of my own reflection and I'm falling down in the wrong direction. You could save yourself if you could listen to someone else, but as for me, I won't be coming back to Hell. Yeah, that's right. I won't be coming back to Hell. And I won't shut my mouth until I shut my head and you won't scare me out of all the goals I've set and after time to think, I think I'm better now. I can climb without someone to drag me down. You drag me down. You drag me down. You drag me down.
6.
I can't sleep. I'm too tired for this. I don't want to be broken in and whipped and trained to spend my days in a place I hate for a measly wage. It's just too much pain to work today. I'll try to keep sane until I get paid so I can feed myself another day. It's just not my way. I can't live this way. It's just not my way. I can't live this way. I met a guy who says I'm pretty, I could be a model if I tried but when we got to talking about tops and bottoms he lied, he lied. Just please give me something to stop this ache. Just please give me something to fill this lake. Just please give me something my heart can take. Just please give me something fake. Maybe when I grow up I can paint it on my face; Another name that I despise, one to take my place. Then I'll be complete and I won't have to worry anymore and I know I'm not the first to be so selfishly adored. I told him that I just can't say those words, "You're mine, you're mine." but if we were to go our separate ways today, I'd cry. I'd cry. Just please let me know why I feel this way. Just please make me feel confident today. Just please understand that I can not stay. Just please make it go away. Maybe when I grow up I could be a better friend. I'll learn a lesson I'll despise; one to clear my head. When I turn to see, all of my worries will be gone and I'll finally get some sense because I'll know that I was wrong. Maybe when I grow up I'll see you standing there; another place that I despise near all my fallen hair. When I go to sleep, you won't have to worry again because you'll know that I've done well, or I've convinced myself I did.
7.
You see dating's just a tool I use to figure out that I don't love someone. Heart is a clock but I just sleep through my alarm. And now it seems I've finally found someone but his heart belongs to someone else. I can't stop the hand from turning with my arm. So it's just another night I cannot sleep. Just another flashing light I'm forced to see, but at least I've tried. I've tried so hard to close my eyes and sleep through my screams. Now it seems I've lost myself. What I want today might change as well. Chasing my way out of Hell with invisible tape on my damaged shell and he really likes me too, I guess, with all those nights we spent undressed. Hope, to him, I'm not just someone else. And we listened to the pain we shared as we walked and talked in the cold night air and I told him he was filling up a void. I said "Holes they can dig deeply, yes, they can eat you up inside your chest so listen close while I digest and tell you why my eyes are red. It was just another sign I could not see. It was just the final time she made me bleed and she saw me cry when I was tired of all her lies, then she turned from me." Now the stress shows through my face with more tension in my living space. Finally come face to face with the man I thought would scare me away but we stayed up all night like before. Each story told made me think more that I hope that he will trust in me someday cuz I'm not just gonna lie right to his face so I hope that I don't make the same mistakes But I'll try to decide something for myself without someone to guide my mind but I'll still deny that I'd be happier if I kept my mind off "why" Oh, why? Oh, why? Oh, why? Oh, why? Oh, why? Oh, why? It was just another mask I've come to be. It was just another insecurity but at least I've tried. You can't deny that I've tried to see objectively.
8.
The Prophet 04:50
I've already told you I'm not a reflection so stop using me as a mirror for yourself. You must really hate yourself. How many times have I proved I'm not here to threaten? The demon you mean to kill is in yourself but you're attacking someone else. You need to believe we are lost without your wisdom but you can't feel who is caught up in the middle. You say what's good for all, but what's "good" for you? You compare me to a drug, well I can do that to you. You say it's for him and you know it's for you. You can't stand to see someone as wanted as you from his eyes that are tired from this bickering. I'd kill myself now if that tiger could sing but you're speaking for him and I don't live for you. You can dodge all you want then claim I'm dodging you. But I've already told you I'm not a reflection so stop using me as a mirror for yourself. You must really hate yourself. No, this is not the first time I've dealt with projection. The girl I loved struck me a crippled spell but couldn't see the parallels. You wanted more power because you once thought you had none, but overcompensation can only fuck the balance. You say I'm bad for him, but that's you to me. Try and claim that's not a self-fulfilling prophecy. You say you're all-knowing but you fail to see we all know psychotherapy is a bullshit degree to use as an excuse for what you say. You could be fighting either side and justified the same way but cycling through synonyms keeps it the same. You can put up your wall then say I ran away. But I've already told you I'm not a reflection so stop using me as a mirror for yourself. You must really hate yourself. How many times have I proved I'm not here to threaten? The demon you mean to kill is in yourself but you're attacking someone else. So motherfucker answer me when I speak to you. You're not thirteen. You're forty-four. You should know more than me. Every time you laugh at me there's a piece of you that sees between the conceited, condescending words you speak. I did not steal your life and I can govern mine and still you criticize when you're no better. Once more you've missed the point. It's not "you're wrong" or "I'm right". You lack objective eyes and I'm no better. But still you scream and shout, but he won't make a sound, so when you push around do you feel better? Your pattern's clear right now. He'll never be allowed. If you'd just hear me out, then we'd feel better. You'll never ban my life in your myopic fight. I won't shut my eyes to make it better. And once I'm past this round, I'll no longer be found, but it won't bring me down because I'll feel better. You don't know how hard I've tried (no), and you can't see the thoughts he hides, and truth be told, I have lost my soul to love that has no life.
9.
Strides 03:00
Every day it seems I lost myself but I have tried to calm my strides And just today it seems that I'm a fool cuz I have tried to compromise myself to them like they care at all when I change myself they will watch me fall. I'm finding love's a reason to complain and you say I'm still young, but how it hurts you when you're young. I'm just looking for a greener place and you say it's been done, but I don't care if it's been done. So don't claim you're unable to convince yourself to a kid who convinced himself he was straight from birth 'til twelve or thirteen. It was working 'til the world seemed it was out to hurt me. Trust me don't you blame yourself from a man who once blamed himself for the faults of those who tried to trick me. It convinced me I was slipping, I just needed fixing. Now I know they weren't friends at all. When I change myself I will watch them fall. I'm finding love's a reason to complain and you say I'm still young, but how it hurts you when you're young. I'm just looking for a greener place and you say it's been done, but I don't care if it's been done.
10.
Anything 05:39
I can only sleep once I'm too tired to think, cuz I'm still pretty sure that there's no absolute certainty. And my self-medication still has side-effects. I just wish I could cure what's in my head. Oh, I just need anything. I just need anything. I just need anything. Though I have many wishes, sometimes all I want is for you to see me for what I am and not what I'm called, though I'm one to talk. And if I changed all my ways, would I still be me? It's been done once before, and he's not coming back, but what'd you say to him? You said he could be anything. You said I could be anything. You said I could be anything. You said I could be anything. You can move anywhere, but it's the same damn moon and you might hate the fact that I'm looking too, but if you stare hard enough maybe I'll come back soon, but just don't look away. It's no use. I know you've seen it and I've seen it too. Yeah, you know I've seen it too. Yeah, you know I've seen it too. Yeah, you know I've seen it too. Yeah, you know I've seen it too.
11.
Don't you know there was a time these decisions were not mine and I was sent for help but what I began to find is it hurts to have my mind looking on itself. Well, you don't need therapy. You're smarter than your parents see. Who cares if they took care of me? It's fair to say they're scared of me. Help me care to see that there's a deeper harmony. Life could be your fantasy if you could see You don't need that. You don't need that. You don't need that. You don't need that. I still remember when you told me I shit on your life. I still remember when you told me you were sorry. Now when you tell me that you love me, I can't make a sound. I guess it goes to show the lows can weigh you down. When I'm searching for a soul each new detail that I know only turns to doubt. 'Til the screaming in my head, it shouts "Either get me off or get off me now". Well, you don't need dope, I mean, you hold plenty of dopamine. Grow new teeth and hope to clean the poems that he once spoke to me. Hold these frozen dreams and store 'em in a melody. Like could be your symphony if you could see You don't need that. You don't need that. You don't need that. You don't need that. Well, I found love. It only lasts a week. I don't wanna hurt. Why do they love me? Yeah, I found love. It only lasts a week and if I haven't learned I'll just burn the other cheek. I forgot those seven thoughts could form above my mouth. From now 'til then I'll force this conversation out. Well you don't need sympathy to break away from misery. Ditch all of the fear you feel's a sin to even live with me. Toss these stupid drinks and make a mental music sheet. Life could be your lucid dream if you could see You don't need that. You don't need that. You don't need that. You don't need that. Now I've been far and wide searching for miracles but once you know someone they're just predictable and keeping that in mind, I'll sing a simple sigh: Na na na na na na. I still remember when you told me I shit on your life. I still remember when you told me you were sorry. Now when you tell me that you love me, I can't make a sound. I guess it goes to show the lows can weigh you down. I still remember when you hurt me and ruined my life. I still remember when you finally said you're sorry. Now when I tell you that's behind me, I still have my doubts. I guess it goes to show the lows can weigh you down. I guess it goes to show the lows can weigh you down. I guess it goes to show the lows can weigh you down.
12.
Acceptance 08:32
Another line on the page I throw out. Another sight on display; I throw up. Anesthetized, I'm back here again. Swallow down. What's left to find in this place? I go out. And all I see, it can't be named. Just what I see, it has me believing that I am not here to stay And that's okay. Yeah, that's alright. I saw my future today. I did "well". Was it Wellbutrin or fame? I can't tell. It's something new, and I'm desperate for change. Might as well. I guess I'm used to this game of myself. And all I hear, it calls my name. Just what I hear, it caused me to fear that the end is not far away And that's okay. Yeah, that's alright. Another lie on the page I show off. A new disguise for the day I wake up. But who decides when nobody's offering? Ha. Ha. Ha. I guess I'll try a new face I don't love. And all I feel, it brings me shame. Just what I feel, it caused me to deal with my mind in dangerous ways And that's okay. Yeah, that's alright. I filled the skies with your names and fell down. Hospitalized for three days. I fucked up. But in my eyes were friends dying everywhere, all my fault. I guess I'll find, in this place, a new song. And all I love, it don't exist. So I guess that's one to add to the list of the ways I'm misunderstood And that's no good, but I think I'll be alright. For every time you tried to help. You fucked it up but meant so well. Every time you told yourself "It gets good", no, "It gets better". It seems you're cursed from the start. You struggle just to play the part. Death by a broken heart waiting for it to get better. And if you can't get used to this, you'd better start to work through it. You're chasing carrots on a stick but I won't stop 'til it gets better. And every time you stayed awake for every little choice you made. It's over now, accept your fate. This is you now. This is you. This is you. This is you. This is you. This is you. This is you. This is you. This is you. This is you. This is you. This is you. This is you. This is you. This is you. This is you. This is you.

about

A chronological album featuring songs I wrote over a 10 year period. It tells the story of growth, change, and acceptance.

credits

released September 28, 2020

Music and Lyrics written by Adam Johnston
Produced by Adam Johnston
Piano, Vocals, Drums, Cello, Clarinet, Acoustic Guitar, Saxophone, Ukulele, Accordion, Synth, Organ: Adam Johnston
Bass: Adam Johnston, Sandy McKerchar
Electric Guitar: Axel Attal, Daniel Mazur, Adam Johnston
Violin, Trumpet: Ned Wilkinson, Adam Johnston
Flute: Ned Wilkinson
Tuba: Jackson Parodi
Double Bass: Michael Rush

Recorded at Monarch Studios: monarchstudios.com
Audio Engineers: Olivia Quan, Scot Wallace, Alex Penney
Mastering: Andrew Spindor www.railtownmastering.com

Album art by Lovisa Morin: twitter.com/LovisaArt

Special Thanks: Chris Stein, Debbie Harry, Fox Amoore, Pepper Coyote, my friends and family

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an Unkindness Vancouver, British Columbia

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